The Stars: Alexis Texas, Anna Morna, Scarlet Red, Addie Juniper
Plot Line: Van Hellsing hires a couple to save a virgin from Ms. Dracula's mansion.
Sex Scenes: M/F - 6, F/F, 4xF - 2, M/Fx3, 2M/5F
Best Line: Ms. Dracula "Tell them to go away, I feel like I just wrestled an octopus."
Best Sex Scene: Final orgy scene with which gets started with the whole gang saying "Well what do we do now?" and Ms. Dracula replying "ORGY!"
This might be a difficult task since there is a convoluted story line that is barely explained and carried through poor dialogue but I will do my best here. Ms. Dracula is holding a virgin hostage in her mansion and Van Hellsing has hired the Harkers to retrieve her. If they do, they will get 1 MILLION dollars.
Ms. Dracula has a 4-way in her hot tub with her lesbian slave ladies (I assume). The Harkers show up and see two people banging in the pool and decide that they are going to sneak in to the mansion as massage therapists. Meanwhile Renfield makes a concoction that allows Ms. Dracula to move around during the daylight. The Harkers show up and Ms. Dracula invites them in. Mr. Harker heads to the bedroom and Ms. Dracula decides to have sex with Mr. Harker and forgoes the massage. Unless you include the vaginal massage that he gave her with his penis.
Meanwhile in the basement, Dracula's love slaves are playing pool. A bet is placed on a difficult shot. The bet was that the loser gets spanked. Which naturally turns in to a lesbian three-way. While this is happening, Renfield is leading Mina Harker up the stairs. The stairs are such a turn on that they have sex all up and down them.
Later, our three vixens are doing yoga when Van Hellsing shows up. They think that he might be their yoga instructor so naturally, they have sex with him. Mina finds Ms. Dracula. Ms. Dracula realizes that she never got her massage so she asks Mina to do it for her. Mina obliges but this massage goes as well as the last. It goes right to Dracula's vagina. Mr. Harker finds the missing virgin and she is so excited to be free that she gives him her virginity. BANG!
Van Hellsing finds Ms. Dracula! But wait, he doesn't kill her, he has sex with her. WHAT!? Oh the twist! After the three girls have their "yoga instruction" they find Mina in the foyer and ask for massage. Mina obliges with a four-way sex fest with the girls. The virgin ties up Mr. Harker and tries to make a break for it. However, Renfield catches her and gives up her virginity to him as well. Apparently she has lots of virginities. The whole gang then ends up in the basement and Van Hellsing tries to explain the plot line. With confused faces on the entire cast, Ms. Dracula yells "Orgy!" and everyone humps each other happily ever after.
I think we should start with the terrible and move to the horrible as we review this disaster of a movie.
The sex: As far as sex scenes go, this movie has tons of them. 11 sex scenes in a 75 minute movie. Essentially this is a porn. It is soft core porn with hard core, XXX porn stars. The thing is, I am watching the pros do un-pro stuff. Alexis Texas (Ms. Dracula) can shake that ass like Tilt-a-Whirl on steroids during an earthquake. I mean the think bounces and undulates like some one stuffed a bunch rabid ferrets in it. But this is softcore, so you can't really see P go into the V so Alexis Texas' best asset is removed from the screen. I don't really care what a dude's junk looks like but if I was Chad White (Van Hellsing) and had a massive dong. I would find it odd to star in a movie where they can't show dong. This is a growing trend in the skin flick world. They are taking XXX movies and editing them into softcore for TV Movies. When they don't do that, they just shoot crap like this. Its like watching NFL players play flag football, or NASCAR drivers in go-carts, or game of Jeopardy with complete idiots. It just doesn't work.
The Rest of the Movie: You would think if you are going to take away what the actresses and actors do best so you can put a movie on TV, you would beef up the other part. I now have to watch porn stars not do porn so at least we can beef up the plot line so the whole movie doesn't suck. Well the rest of the movie sucks too. You would think that a Dracula movie would have cool costumes. Nope. They all dress like porn stars and not gothic creatures of the night. Well, at least we could have a cool creepy castle for Ms. Dracula to live in? Nope. Its a very famous mansion that is used in tons of porn films. Well at least it is night time right? Dark and scary? No again. Bright sunlight everywhere! They say that Renfield makes a drink so Ms. Dracula can wander around in the day. More like he made it so they didn't have to do any real production work. They have names found in Stoker's Dracula so there is some kind of vampire plot line or back story right? NO! They gave them names from the book and gave them roles that in no way resemble anything from the lore. You could have called this movie anything. There is nothing that distinguishes it from a porn. There is one scene where they glued some fangs on Alexis Texas, but she never eats, bites or kills anyone. She does absolutely zero vampiric things. Don't watch this movie. Just go to a free porn site and watch these porn stars do what they are good at.
I give this skin flick 0 out of 10 boobs.